Look, it’s very easy to end up dating someone who is absolutely, truly, bloody awful.
They mess you around. They tear your self-esteem to shreds. They have terrible opinions.
When you eventually break up, you look back and ask yourself why you ever dated them. You question how you ever thought they were right for you. You don’t understand how you missed all the signs of their general sh*t-ness.
Usually, it’s because the obviously terrible things come out later on, when you’re already in the throes of dating or sex-having.
But if you have sex early on, there are loads of little signs to look out for that reveal whether the person you’re banging is a decent human being or a melting pot of flaming garbage and despair.
These are handy to know and keep in the back of your mind (print them off and stick them next to your bed, if you’d like) – not only for when you find yourself dating someone awful yet again, but also for when you think you’re dating someone great, but past experiences make you unwilling to trust your own judgement.
If you’re having sex for the first time and they’re ticking off all the things below, those are signs that they’re likely to be a decent person. Would bang again.
1. Foreplay isn’t optional, it’s essential
Anyone who thinks foreplay can casually be skipped and they can dive straight in is, first off, likely to give you a rubbish sexual experience, and also clearly doesn’t know much about how bodies work in general – and they haven’t bothered to learn.
2. And it’s not just a quick rub and shove
A half-hearted hand job for ten seconds before expecting action really isn’t good enough.
If they’re building up to things and making you feel good for your enjoyment, that’s a positive sign.
3. They actually care about your pleasure
Hooray, you’re not just an object they’re using to get off.
They take time to make sure you’re enjoying things, and, if you’re not making it super obvious that you’re enjoying yourself, they ask if you’re feeling good.
4. They make sure they have your full, informed consent
Crucial.
5. They make you feel great about your body
They touch you with appreciation, they compliment you, and generally make you feel like your bod is extremely hot and appealing.
If you feel like you’re hiding away, that they’re judging the way you look, or that you’re not sure if they’re actually attracted to you, ditch ’em and find someone who shows you how great your body truly is.
6. They check that you came afterwards
A lot of times it’s obvious, but the fact that they ask afterwards (and not in a ‘did you cum after I just aggressively pumped for two minutes’ way, but in a genuine, ‘how was that for you?’ way) shows that they are actually bothered about your pleasure, which is key.
7. But they don’t take it as a personal affront if you didn’t
Your orgasm is not their achievement or a task to tick off. Sometimes it just won’t happen, sometimes they just needed to do something different that you’ll now tell them about.
If they get annoyed, offended, or defensive, again, they don’t understand how sexual pleasure works. Bad sign.
8. Sex doesn’t end just because they came
If they’ll happily roll over and give you oral after they’re satisfied, they’re a keeper.*
*Or just someone you can have casual sex with again. Whatever you fancy.
9. They’re open to feedback
They’ll listen to you explaining a specific thing that gets you off and take it into consideration for next time, or they’ll change positions when you explain what works best mid-session.
They won’t get pissy or act like you’re being demanding for saying what you like.
Why? Because, again, they actually care about making you feel good.
10. They’re more than happy to go down
Go for someone who takes joy in giving you pleasure.
11. Nothing is expected as a given
They don’t feel entitled to certain sexual things. They might ask for them, but they don’t feel entitled to getting them.
12. They don’t kick up a fuss about using protection
Why would a decent person have an issue with having safe sex?
13. They’re present in the moment
Looking at you, touching you, responding to what you’re doing? Good.
Looking away, seeming introspective, clearly not noticing whether or not you’re into it, and generally behaving as though they’re not even really aware of who they’re having sex with (you could swap yourself out with a mannequin and you’re pretty sure they’d continue doing the exact same thing)? Bad.
14. They’re not grossed out by perfectly normal parts of the human body
Sweaty back? Unbothered. Hairy balls? That’s fine. Vagina farted? They laugh it off and continue onwards.
15. They check you’re cool with trying something new instead of just going ahead and doing it
Yeah, don’t slip a finger in someone’s bum as a surprise.
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16. You don’t feel judged
You’re able to float the idea of stuff you’re into without feeling like they’re going to react in horror. You know that your body isn’t being picked apart in their mind.
17. They’ll help with cleanup
All the applause for someone who’ll hop up and get tissues.
18. And they’ll do all the necessary after-sex stuff to make you comfortable
If they offer to get you tea and a blanket post-orgasm, they are an absolute dreamboat.
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