I’m hetero-monogamous because my boyfriend can’t be my girlfriend

Nova Hawthorne

Published January 17, 2025 4:00pm Updated January 29, 2025 12:13pm

‘Are you two going to f**k or what?’

This sudden outburst from my friend, though surprising, wasn’t unwarranted.

I was on a girls’ trip when I met Camille*.

We were thrust together some 6,000 miles away from home and the spark between us was immediate.

There was something electrifying about the way her laugh filled the air, and every time her eyes met mine there was a warmth there that felt both foreign yet familiar.

But it was after spending the evening dancing and laughing over drinks that the space between us slowly seemed to close until, finally, we were kissing under the flashing multicoloured nightclub lights.

From that moment on, I’d felt this unbelievable pull towards her – something that must have been so glaringly obvious, which ultimately led to my friend’s outburst.

It was clearly the push we both needed though as, on the last day of the trip, Camille and I slinked off for a private moment.

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But as her soft and inviting lips met mine again, a thought kept circling in my mind: ‘This doesn’t take anything away from my relationship with James.’

I’ve been with James, my 63-year-old boyfriend, for five years now, and while we’re deeply committed to each other, we’re also in what is known as a hetero-monogamous relationship.

While the technical definition of hetero-monogamy is a man and woman in an exclusive relationship, the way I’m using it is slightly different.

Essentially, a couple agrees to be monogamous with each other when it comes to people of their partner’s gender, but they remain open to sexual relationships with the other genders if one or both partners are bisexual or queer.

I am only in a relationship with one person – a man – but I am allowed to sleep with women. James is straight and exclusively with me. I, on the other hand, am bisexual, and so can still date and occasionally sleep with women.

It’s a way of honouring my sexuality without feeling like I have to suppress a part of myself.

I was about 12, in my final year of primary school, when I realised I felt attracted to women. My first kiss was with a friend, and I knew then that my feelings toward women were more than just admiration. By the time I was 13, I had learned the term ‘bisexual,’ and it resonated with me.

As a teenager, I dated both men and women, and there were times when I had both a boyfriend and a girlfriend who were aware of each other. However it wasn’t until my mid-twenties that I fully embraced my bisexuality and stopped trying to fit myself into neat categories. I wanted to explore.

So, I went on Tinder, I had multiple dates, attended queer events, and explored casual or short-term relationships with women. During this time, I was also working as a sex worker, seeing male clients, which I found personally fulfilling.

But whenever I ended up in a monogamous relationship with a man or a woman, I often felt like my attraction to other men or women became like this unsaid, unacknowledged thing. It ended up creating an inner conflict for me.

It felt like I was constantly navigating a tension between the desire for monogamy in certain aspects of my relationship and the need for freedom to express my sexuality more fully.

Naturally, that meant I usually reached a point where I couldn’t maintain a monogamous relationship anymore – mainly with men – as I had this quiet yearning that was growing.

I sometimes found myself falling for a woman outside of the relationship. At that point it was better to be single.

So, after James and I met online when I was 24 and seeking a sugar daddy, I knew I needed to have an open conversation with him about my sexuality early on.

For a while I was nervous to bring it up as I was unsure of how he’d react, and we’d actually been seeing each other a few weeks before I finally found the courage to do so.

I remember sitting with James, trying to figure out what being in a relationship would mean for us. I said, ‘Something that’s holding me back from entering an exclusive relationship with you is that I don’t want to stop dating women.’ I paused, then added, ‘And if pursuing that is a dealbreaker for being with me, I need to know.’

I felt like my walls were up as I said it, bracing myself for a response that could end things between us. I was prepared for rejection.

James listened carefully, intently digesting this news, and I held my breath for his reaction. But I needn’t have worried.

‘Well, I can’t be your girlfriend, can I?’ He said finally.

I felt a huge relief, but I was also a little suspicious. Was it that easy?

He didn’t feel threatened, and that acceptance made it easier for me to be fully honest with him about what I wanted in our relationship. A relationship where I could be my authentic self through romantic and sexual expression.

Since then, we’ve had a dynamic that works for both of us.

While we’re in a monogamous relationship in many ways – meaning neither of us dates or sleeps with other men (or women, in James’s case) – I am free to explore my attraction to women as I please.

There are no set rules or boundaries when it comes to dating women, but we do maintain open communication. For example, I’ll tell him if I’m seeing someone new, but we don’t dive into the details.

It’s a balance of respect and trust, and it hasn’t caused any issues between us. In fact, I think it’s brought us closer because we’ve built our relationship on mutual understanding.

As for how often I date or sleep with women, it varies. Sometimes I’ll go on a few dates over a couple of months, and other times there are longer stretches where I don’t see anyone.

Like any person who is dating, it’s always about what feels natural, not something I plan out or feel compelled to do.

That’s why, when I felt that rising attraction to Camille, I didn’t deny it.

I didn’t feel guilty, nor like I was betraying James. I know our relationship is rock solid, but loving him didn’t and doesn’t diminish my attraction to women.

They are separate, yet equally valid aspects of who I am.

So our relationship may not be typical, but it works for us.

A hetero-monogamous relationship is not about looking for loopholes in commitment but about creating a relationship that allows both partners to feel fulfilled.

It’s crucial that, before you enter this type of agreement, you are open with yourself first – make sure you know what you want and why you want it – and then have an honest conversation with your partner.

Approach each other with mutual respect and clear communication, and if it doesn’t work for you then that’s OK too. Every relationship is different.

But I truly believe that, by being true to yourself and finding someone who respects that truth, you can create a relationship that’s both secure and embracing, where love and attraction can coexist without having to hide any part of who you are.

*Name has been changed